I hope that in sharing my story, you can find something to relate back to your own struggles.

Back to it.

…

When I arrived home, I withdrew from the world so completely, that I still feel the effects of it even now.

I’d made myself as small as possible so that no one could see my failure; that I had returned with no visible results as tangible proof for my experiment with the Law of Attraction.

But inside myself, I knew the truth. Something in my mind had changed; something that continues to grow even now.

Nothing ever so significant had occurred in my life until that two months when I had truly lived.

Though the adventure was over, I was still in the fantasy mindset when real work was required of me at home. That’s when – not depression, but APATHY started to set in. Because I didn’t yet have the results I wanted, and because I was waiting for those things before I acted, I became completely apathetic, as I wasn’t engaged in any process of achievement. I was completely in my head, thinking I had attained some form of enlightenment, because I felt nothing.

This apathy was compounded by the lethargy that had set in from my inactive lifestyle because I had developed the belief from the teachings that I shouldn’t have to lift a finger to bring about the life I wanted. I should just “manifest” it with my “positive energy”. Except I felt anything but. So I ended up waiting and waiting and waiting. I thought I shouldn’t care about anything until I was in a circumstance where I was compelled to. So I waited constantly for a sign to leave again. Waited for a magically manifested circumstance to whisk me away from my current situation to one where I could be happy. In the meantime, I always felt out of place in my own life.

*Note:

During this ENTIRE experiment I never ONCE stopped questioning myself and my direction. I always maintained the position of the skeptic and never put my full faith in these beliefs like some kind of zealot. I always held the position of the scientist and the test subject simultaneously.

That being said, I was itching to work on SOMETHING. Anything. I knew that drawing was the only thing I ever loved enough to come back to even after I let it all go, but I had ZERO work ethic. I couldn’t to sit and draw for even 5 minutes, let alone for the rest of my life.

On top of that, a great anger began to arise in me, because nothing I’d been taught worked like I wanted it to. LOA works in ways you can’t directly control. I came to realize that you have to be willing to work too. There was a deep feeling of shame to accompany my anger because I had gotten about 40-50 pounds heavier since coming back when I had intended the exact opposite!

Most of my days were spent searching for answers in blogs and videos, the same things that had gotten me into this experiment. For recreation, I’d play Uncharted 3 Multiplayer and ponder getting into Magic the Gathering (which didn’t pan out).

There were days when I was so tired and lethargic that I woke up from sleep, too tired to get up and too awake to go back to sleep. So I just laid there in bed until the need to go to the bathroom exceeded my comfort. I had no drive, no purpose, and no reason to get up. No prospects, no friends, no signs, nothing.  I would spend the majority of the day that way until I’d finally fall asleep again so I didn’t have to be awake. Eating was an even greater shame, for what had I done to earn or deserve my portion? I’d eat out of sight of everyone else and get fatter in secret.

Death became a more welcoming presence every day. I never thought about killing myself directly, but I wouldn’t mind it if God put me in a fatal car crash, or pushed me off a cliff; anything quick and painless. I considered death a better choice than having to face the world and actually DO stuff. I thought of it as a warm blanket that would swaddle me once I shed my mortal coil.

If there is anything I learned for sure, it is that full-on reliance on the law of attraction will make you incredibly lethargic and depressed if you don’t align correctly with it. Especially if you focus on fantasy over reality.

God or the Universe or whatever gives you what need, not what you want. And more to the point, you get what you ARE not what you want.

The only weapon in my arsenal was my complete and utter awareness and questioning of my mental state at ALL times.

So I started to ask myself. What had I become?

Lazy, fat, and tired.

So my situation reflected that.

I would get annoyed family members who would make me do the things they had no time for because it would fill up my time instead. And that would annoy me.

Let me tell you: When you don’t have a purpose, people will have no problem coming up with one for you.  And trust me, it ain’t as glamorous as whatever you have in mind. Their purpose for you will be to watch their kids or to do the dishes. You will be stripped of privileges you once had because you aren’t earning your keep, and you’ll have no defense either emotionally or factually against it, so all you can do is sit there and stew in it. And who’s fault is it? No one but your own.

So where did I go from the bottom?

The ONE thing that kept me going through all of this was the fact that I knew I had a powerful enough dream to see all the way through to the end. I had always maintained in my mind that I had a much better future ahead. It wasn’t based on the faith in some bullshit fantasy, but on the practical mental faculty I’d developed on the road. The mindset that NO ONE could see. Whenever I was asked how I knew what I knew, I’d always tell people the same thing: “Not a single word of mine will matter until you SEE the result.”

If I wanted this, I was going to have to make it happen. (what it is, I’ll discuss in later posts)

The Mental Faculty

As soon as I set my mind to the task of accomplishing this goal, I became aware of a strange thing that had been happening the entire time. My mind had attracted to me all the resources I needed to achieve my truest desires. It was as natural as finding the bathroom when you’re looking for it. This was the actual Law of attraction, not this fantastical, mystical belief. Whenever I had a question, I would always attract answers through practical means via blog post, Youtube video, a kind word from a friend. No magic, just practicality. This would lead me to my next course of actions to take until I had an experience that would provide an answer and/or provoke more questions.

I used RESONANCE to move forward and DISSONANCE to change course.

If it felt right to me; If it felt like it would get me closer to my goal, I would take action on it despite any fears I would have. That’s where this blog came from. That’s why I started going to the gym, why I got a job. If it would take me away from my dream; if it felt wrong, I would immediately ignore it. From there, things kept snapping into place and my life vision becomes clearer every day. I began to naturally resonate more and more with success, work ethic, and hustle because I had seen first-hand what the opposite was like and I will never choose to go back to that.

I felt like nothing inside for a long time. Because I had spent so much time in my head-space, I’d lost most of my grounding in reality. It took 6 months to rip out every last shred of LOA misunderstanding and finally get back to earth. There was no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but in order to get back to working order, I had to let it ALL go.

Nature’s Oscillation

To get from my sluggish state back to one of activity, I went through a series of energetic ups and downs. There were periods of low energy, where I just couldn’t do anything even if I tried. Then there were periods of high bursts of energy, where I had the sudden urge to do a lot. Usually a specific task like cleaning out a dirty place, cooking, or taking care of my clothes. A lot of doing stuff just to do it. Once the high energy was spent, I went back into a low cycle.

I used to beat myself up for it but had enough awareness to accept these cycles as natural and out of my control. It was most likely Nature’s way of correcting my wayward state. I couldn’t force a big burst of energy when in a low state, and I rarely wanted to rest while in the high state.

Soon, I began to notice that my low state wouldn’t sink as low as before. The duration was shorter and my higher states became more normalized and longer sustained. Eventually, the frequency of this cycle fell in alignment with rest and wakefulness, like day and night. My highest highs several months ago, were lower than my lowest lows today. I felt myself slowly fall into step with Nature’s oscillation. (There’s so much more to say about this, but I’ll leave it at this for now.)

Conclusion

The secret of the mental faculty is this: If you have a powerful enough goal (not a dream) your mind instantly begins to attract the thoughts which attract the resources, that drive you to the actions which will ultimately achieve your goal.

This is actually something I feel occur in my head on a daily basis. GaryVee calls it Self-Awareness and it has truly become my sole mode of operation. The important thing is to be in alignment with yourself. I truly believe that the best work is created in alignment. When you’re aligned with what you do, you can’t do any better.

So, this is what I learned on the road and on my darkest days at home. The mental faculty that drives my life forward one step at a time. A deep sense of self-awareness and self-questioning that always keeps me on track, even if I slip up every once in a while.  

Everything thing I do in life is now related back to my ultimate purpose. If it’s unrelated, I ignore it completely. I don’t have enough time or energy to give to politics, world events, youtube drama, anything. If I see something isn’t working, I STOP doing that thing (sometimes reluctantly) and change course. If I feel a bit of fear I know I’m on the right track.

Whether I fall short or have massive success, depends on how well I relate myself to universal principles like the law of attraction. It’s like the law of gravity: Jumping from a cliff without a parachute is relating yourself to the law in a way that is most likely to result in death.

Or how robbing a convenience store is relating yourself to the law in a way that is most likely to result in jail-time.

If you believe in fantasies without working towards a tangible goal, you relate to the law of attraction in a way that is most likely to result in failure, apathy, and lethargy.

In God’s perfectly designed world, the one thing I know that everyone can do is WORK. Let LoA do its own thing in its own time, but don’t count on it to pay your bills. I thank God for these universal principles. For the fact that I have to work; that I have to improve myself to get anything worth a damn because that’s what gives you the feeling of being alive; of being human.

How’s that for positive thinking?

In the meantime, I’ll be working towards my dreams every single day, not hoping for events, but engaging in the process.

And this time, I’ll create the adventure, not wait for it.

Until next time,

 

-Ken